Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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