nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
