Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
cat food counts as protein by the way
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
