My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize