I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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