I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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