watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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