Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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