these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
