just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
