I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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