I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This is the high leading the old right now
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
sex in a hospital.. check
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
