Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
