The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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