Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize