grandma shit on top of the toilet
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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