Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
