I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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