Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
