I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
