if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
