college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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