I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
