ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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