i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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