remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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