i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
