SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
