overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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