I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
