if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
