i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The beer is more important than you right now.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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