I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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