Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
