saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
