i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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