well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm bleeding and have questions
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
