I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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