i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Are my feet made of real feet?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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