how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
