Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So here I am, sexting at work.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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