I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
