don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
