1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
