My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
