Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
