you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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