So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
