Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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