I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We were destined to go to rehab together
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
