remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
