The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
