My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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