You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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