So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
