The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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