i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
