btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
